Full

i never thought my life would look like this.  never ever.

i spent the day writing with my good friend, sean.  we wrote a song that i am so very proud of, which is a big deal in itself, at his home studio which meant that we got to take breaks downstairs with his wife mae and their sweet baby abi.  abi made her way home to tennessee from ghana, the place of her birth, this last fall.  a sweet reminder of what josh and i are fighting for ourselves these days.

i got an e-mail this afternoon from my friend ashley, who is exactly who i wish i had been at her young age. she is living at the covering for 6 months and working primarily with the special needs kids.  she is also one of the most courageous people i know.  and she just turned 19.  yesterday.  she sent a snapshot of a hilarious moment she captured between our twins, gerald & geraldine, who were digging into a box of chalk in their underwear.  i can't tell you what it means to get these kinds of normal life updates from her.  i am beyond fortunate to not miss these sorts of moments.

i spent the evening with three of my dear friends who are in the thick of this africa business with me.  one of them founded the raining season, one of them is our travel coordinator, and one of them is our marketing and merchandising coordinator.  see?  the very thick of it.  after dinner we made our way back to our founders home where we were greeted by her 5 children, 3 of whom are the first children to leave the covering since the adoption ban was lifted last year.  these children have been fought for, prayed for, wanted, missed, and loved for years on end waiting for their arrival.  and they are thriving.  they cuddled with me, hugged me, danced for me, and force fed me brownies.  ok.  no one has ever force fed me brownies.  they might have forcibly removed them from my death grip to save me from myself, but that's the only way the words 'force' and 'brownie' have ever been used in a sentence together where i'm concerned.

i came home to my husband.  well, husband on african soil and in my heart.  he'll legally become my husband this saturday in a small family only ceremony that we'll hold in the backyard of our first home together.  my dress is hanging in the closet in a bedroom that will, God willing, belong to our children before the year is up.

i want to play this day on repeat.  i want to bathe in the accents that our founder's children share with our own.  i want the song sean and i wrote about this adoption boat we are in to be the soundtrack to every day i have left to live.  i want to laugh with my friends that truly understand my every move.  i want to always come home to my husband greeting me at the door reminding me to pick up his pants from the tailor so he isn't half naked at our wedding.

tonight, for the first time in awhile, i feel... well, full.

chairs are for wimps.

capri.

melissa and rosemary.

maddox and nash.  dance party time.

You Were Born For Nothing Less

africa.  i'm back.  from my second visit.  and this time around i'm not so sure how to be back.  i just experienced my husband meeting our children for the first time.  husband?  oh yes, husband.  we also got married.  and engaged.  12 hours before we got married.  see?  how do you come back from all of this?

i watched josh go through the same range of emotions i did on my first visit, only he was much more calm and collected than i was.  like he had been fathering them their entire lives.  jumped right in and started saying bedtime prayers and  giving rides on his shoulders like a pro.  i watched our littles find just the right bends in our arms for their heads to lay in.  i watched our bigs sacrifice some of their precious time with their mom and allow the new children at the orphanage moments of holding my hand, knowing that they needed a little extra love.  i watched josh explain to our children what asking a person to marry you meant, then get on one knee and do just that.  i watched our girls walk me down the aisle.  i watched our boys proudly standing beside their dad.  i watched the orphanage's pastor, a good and wonderful man, marry us on the most beautiful beach.

i saw the best things these eyes have ever seen.  and it's hard not seeing them back home.

"You don't live this kind of life accidentally. You make up your mind who you want to be and daily die to the rest. You surrender yourself to living in the tension where you'll always be stretched and often broken. Religion pure and undefiled is grit without the grime. You accept that far easier ways to live exist, but you were born for nothing less."

- Beth Moore (from her study on the book of James)

the last year of my life this raw but lovely summation has been... well, me.  i am overflowing with joy, and in my next breath completely devastated over having to live so far away from my children.  i am proud of my boldness, yet disappointed with my impatience.  i have never felt more like me or so unlike myself.

i am ungracefully learning how to live in this tension, but i will always choose it.  always.

why?  because i know that i was born for nothing less.

nothing less than this:

 

I Like Adoption

off to africa to see the kiddos tomorrow.  i have so many surprises i've been keeping and will have a bajillion (its a word if i want it to be one) pictures and stories to share when i get back in 10 days. 

until then, this.  beautiful, powerful, me and josh in 15 years... this:

much love,

m

Westward Journey Home

this morning, halfway around the world, at an embassy in accra, ghana, a very brave and courageous woman did a very brave and courageous thing.  

she can't possibly weigh more than 115 pounds soaking wet but today she was the strongest of the strong.  today she walked into an intimidating room and put her foot down.  today she begged for mercy.  today she demanded change.  today, by the grace of God, her daughter is allowed to come home.  

a visa was approved.  bags were packed.  plane tickets for a same day departure were purchased.  a year long wait came to a close.  a westward journey home has begun.

tomorrow i will be standing at an airport at the bottom of an escalator, waiting.

i'm not going to sleep a wink tonight.

read more about mae's brave journey here.

Go Get Our Girl

yesterday one of my very best friends packed her bags.  she shut down her computer, turned off her phone, found a seat on a plane, and started the beginning of the end.  this morning she landed in ghana and, at this very moment, is at an orphanage taking custody of her daughter for the very first time.

her husband (who had to stay behind here in tennessee for work) just texted me and said that he is so excited he thinks he might throw up.  that's how big today is.  

after years of screened in porch dreaming, thousands of hours of blog and book reading, and 3 trips to africa, her eternally long and consistently grueling pregnancy-esque waiting game is finally in the home stretch.  

today she takes custody of her daughter and forever removes her from a government run orphanage.

today she and her mother bring sweet baby abi back to a hotel that will be home until all of the proper documents have been finalized.

today we pray that this process is swift.

today we pray that undetermined time means weeks, not months.

today we pray that her daughter's body and spirit are nurtured through her care.

today we pray that her sense of humor stays intact.

today we pray for the flexibility to roll with the punches.

today we pray that tomorrow is just as good.  because today is a good day.

my dear friend,

be safe.

be brave.

go get our girl.

xo,

m

read more about mae's journey here.

Africa Bound

i'm in the chicago airport.

with auntie melissa and uncle jeremy.

on my way to you.

i didn't sleep very well last night.

i was too anxious.

i'm overwhelmed with joy at the thought of being able to hold you, to feel your weight in this world.

i'm worried about leaving you in just 10 short days.  

i'm terrified that i will return disappointed in the world.

i've already looked at the photo albums we made you twice.

your smiles fix everything.

i have never been more excited.

ever.

dear babies,

you are loved.  you are safe.  you are wanted.

i cannot wait to see you.

love, mom

Gerald and Geraldine

today is the day.  today is the day i can finally talk about these beautiful, perfect little nuggets i've been posting about.  remember when i said it was bigger than country music award show hair?  i bet you're gonna believe me...

one night in october i couldn't sleep so i spent the night online researching different orphanages in africa that i could volunteer at.  the next day i had lunch with my bestie, melissa spillman.  turns out she too had africa on the brain.  the day before she had lunch with 2 women from spring hill, tennessee who founded an organization called the raining season (TRS) that runs an orphanage called 'the covering' in sierra leone, west africa.  melissa asked if i would be interested in taking a trip to the orphanage with her someday.  i cried in my greek salad and said yes.

fast forward a few months and i am now a mother to twin two year olds that were taken in by the covering.  yep.  read that again.  mother.  to.  twin.  two.  year.  olds.  due to the atrocities of human trafficking there has been an adoption ban in sierra leone since 2009.  this means that in the foreseeable future none of the children at the center will be placed in permanent homes.  to counteract this TRS started the forever family initiative.  a forever family is matched with each child/sibling group to provide emotional, spiritual and financial help to these kids for the rest of their lives.  we are, essentially, a family that just doesn't live together.  we skype weekly.  i can visit the center as much as i like but am required to visit at least once a year.  and i have every intention of bringing my sweet babies to live with me the very moment that ugly adoption ban goes away.

i'd like to introduce you to my favorite little nuggets.  meet gerald and geraldine :)

so, i am a mother to twin two year olds.  if that doesn't produce an instant anxiety attack i don't know what will.  but the steady anxiety attacks have given way to heart bursting amounts of excitement that are only occasionally sprinkled with anxiety filled moments.  and the anxiety filled moments have given way to tremendously overwhelming periods of faith.  and the periods of faith have shown me what it feels like to be a follower of God.  and it turns out being a follower is the biggest, bestest, most awesomely powerful thing that i have ever experienced.  turns out... i like what i look like as a follower.  i like what it feels like to say yes with my whole, terrified heart.

i have an entire box of clothes sitting in my office that i will bring with me when i travel to see them in july.  i spend nights scouring blogs of anyone who has ever taken a trip to the center in search of baby pictures of g&g.  i have been known to watch a 7 second video of gerald waving for 45 minutes straight.  my mom put their faces on a coffee mug.  my dad adds every tuesday's "best of" skype photo to his screensaver at work.  they call me mommy.  i call them little man and baby girl.  they are mine.  i am theirs.  we are a family.

we are a family.

Tom Petty Was Right

the waiting really is the hardest part.

my friends sean and mary susan just returned from a trip to ghana where they got to meet the sweet baby girl they will be bringing home in 2012.  

now, they wait.  but waiting is an understatement.  while they anticipate, expect, hang on to their hats, hold on, hole up, keep their shirts on, lie low, look forward to, sit tight... wait for the day they can bring her home, we pray.  may she feel loved.  may she feel safe.  may she feel wanted.