You Were Born For Nothing Less

africa.  i'm back.  from my second visit.  and this time around i'm not so sure how to be back.  i just experienced my husband meeting our children for the first time.  husband?  oh yes, husband.  we also got married.  and engaged.  12 hours before we got married.  see?  how do you come back from all of this?

i watched josh go through the same range of emotions i did on my first visit, only he was much more calm and collected than i was.  like he had been fathering them their entire lives.  jumped right in and started saying bedtime prayers and  giving rides on his shoulders like a pro.  i watched our littles find just the right bends in our arms for their heads to lay in.  i watched our bigs sacrifice some of their precious time with their mom and allow the new children at the orphanage moments of holding my hand, knowing that they needed a little extra love.  i watched josh explain to our children what asking a person to marry you meant, then get on one knee and do just that.  i watched our girls walk me down the aisle.  i watched our boys proudly standing beside their dad.  i watched the orphanage's pastor, a good and wonderful man, marry us on the most beautiful beach.

i saw the best things these eyes have ever seen.  and it's hard not seeing them back home.

"You don't live this kind of life accidentally. You make up your mind who you want to be and daily die to the rest. You surrender yourself to living in the tension where you'll always be stretched and often broken. Religion pure and undefiled is grit without the grime. You accept that far easier ways to live exist, but you were born for nothing less."

- Beth Moore (from her study on the book of James)

the last year of my life this raw but lovely summation has been... well, me.  i am overflowing with joy, and in my next breath completely devastated over having to live so far away from my children.  i am proud of my boldness, yet disappointed with my impatience.  i have never felt more like me or so unlike myself.

i am ungracefully learning how to live in this tension, but i will always choose it.  always.

why?  because i know that i was born for nothing less.

nothing less than this:

 

Tuesday's Best and Joyful Reminders

today was a joyful reminder of what we are fighting, praying, saving, hoping, and waiting for.  

to my beautiful bigs and my not so little anymore littles,

you are more than worth this battle.  may i always bring you as much joy as you bring your dad and me.  and may we always enjoy each other as much as we did today.

i love you more than chocolate cake.

m

6.

auntie ashley!

mohamed reads to us every week, and at some point during the story
we share this exact same moment with the girls.

smiles.

We Were Made To Be Awesome

what will be your space jam?  hey, its a good question.

I Like Adoption

off to africa to see the kiddos tomorrow.  i have so many surprises i've been keeping and will have a bajillion (its a word if i want it to be one) pictures and stories to share when i get back in 10 days. 

until then, this.  beautiful, powerful, me and josh in 15 years... this:

much love,

m

Tuesday's Best: 5 DAYS!!!!!

shred the paper chains and delete the countdown app...  you will now only need one hand.

WE SEE OUR KIDS IN 5 DAYS!!!!! 

we only connected for about 45 seconds worth of skype time today, and after no skyping for 3 weeks due to new years and christmas day falling on tuesdays this would normally completely depress me.  but not today.  today i am packing suitcases and planning schedules and printing boarding passes and praying i don't get pee'd on 3 times like our last visit.  it's a letter 'p' kind of day around here.

the twins showed off their new shoes, mohamed attempted to read to us, and mamie had a brand new 'do.

cannot.  wait.  to.  hold.  them.

'p'eriod.

new kicks

this face.  THIS face.  adore.

swoon.

haPPy tuesday's best.

xo,

m

Hormones, Whoremones... Potato, Potahto.

it's only noon and i have already cried three times today.

its a good thing that josh is at work and that i'm not going to write about this and post it all over the internet to protect him from people casting justified judgement about his choice in a mate.

yeah, real good thing.

but seriously.  three times in the four hours i've been awake.

what's to blame?

crazy phantom pregnant lady hormones.

think about it.  when a women gets pregnant (or in the case of 1994's 'junior' starring arnold schwarzenegger, when a man get's pregnant) her hormones go totally bananas for 9 months.  totally.  bananas.  she'll cry all of the time, she'll completely lose her s**t in traffic and scream never before heard combinations of cuss words at complete strangers like they can hear her through the windows, and one word defines her: irrational.  

i'm convinced that when you set out to adopt children the same thing happens.  

hormones are hormones.  you can't control them when you're a teenager and you certainly can't control them now.  in my head they look nearly identical to those hideous and vomit inducing snot balls on mucinex commercials.  they move in and take over, they disgust you that you're capable of producing such beasts and cause you to question all of your abilities when you can't get rid of them, and you will spend most of your time trying to shut them up in public.  you will also stoop as low as bribing them to contain themselves through a one hour meeting with the reward of an entire bowl of m&m's and a good cry on the couch when you get home.  you know, um... i've heard.  

if my theory is correct (and of course it's correct don't try to challenge me because i am irrational right now and who knows what i am capable of, remember?), i have been pregnant for 12 months... with 4 children.  that's like the pièce de résistance of hormones.

hormones, whoremones.  potato, potahto.

they are horrible and i can't wait for them to go away.  at least i don't have hemorrhoids? 

happy hormoning,

m

my hormones are totally the sweatsuit/fannypack combo

New Year, Old Me

welp.  we're 1 day in to the new year and not much has changed around here.

so far my new year has consisted of:

crying during a movie.

cuddling on the couch with earl snuggs (the best blanket ever).

painting walls.

coffee for breakfast and lunch.

wine for an afternoon snack.

picking up malaria medicine for a trip to africa.

forgetting to buy toothpaste while i was at the store to pick up previously mentioned medicine.

fighting with comcast over service charges.

leggings.

more leggings (who needs pants?).

eating ice cream in bed.

laughing at myself when i say that josh's new resting heartbeat of 42 bpm thanks to swimming laps might actually make me want to go to the gym.

pretty par for the course around here.

i'm off to the paint store to pick up my new wall color, french linen.  chic?  no.  it's going over knotty pine walls... don't jump to any classy conclusions.  i've already tackled the cabinets and now i'm on to kitchen and den walls.

see?

cabinets before:

dark and dreary.

love my original stove, hate the pine popping out from behind it.

lighter and brighter.

kept the original hardware and distressed the finish.

so cozy.  like leggings.  but for your kitchen.  i'll keep you guys posted on the progress with the walls because i know you won't be able to sleep until you see the final product.  this is riveting stuff.

knotty pine wishes,

m