When The Symphony Starts...

i first started this blog as a place to collect stories for our children.  a memory box for them to open one day and find pieces of their childhood, and tales of our journey toward becoming a family.  and then the journey got hard.  and i sometimes found it difficult to navigate my way through my old life as it melted into this new one.  and because i didn't know how to feel about it much less write about it, i stopped.  today it is time to start again.  today is as much a part of our story as any.

i have spent time in sierra leone each of the last five months working on our adoption.  nine weeks total spread over three separate trips.  i missed thanksgiving, trips we had planned to see our families, my husband's birthday, and our first anniversary.  while i feel like i have missed an entire season of life here, i am so very grateful that i have been able to spend an entire season of life with my children there.  i am grateful, but i am exhausted.  

my most recent trip finally provided us with the target we had been aiming for: a court date.  on january 16th i rented a van and we piled in.  myself, mohamed, mamie, gerald, geraldine, my mom and dad (they were able to join me on this trip), our children's birth father, birth uncle, birth aunt and a social worker from the raining season.  we left the center at 8am and headed to our court appointment.  we found seats in the room outside of the judge's chambers and waited.  the judge arrived at 11:30am and invited our attorney into her chambers.  they spoke for about an hour and when he finally came up for air he whispered, "this is going to be difficult".  we were ushered into the courtroom and were instructed to wait for the judge to meet us there.  my children tried their very best to behave, and took turns sleeping in our laps and sneaking pistachios from my dad.  when the judge called court to order we all stood up out of respect, and my attorney and i didn't sit down for the next two and a half hours.  because of the knowledge i have acquired from those who have gone before me, especially my dear friend and the founder of the raining season, i knew how to fight for my children that day.  again, grateful but exhausted.  ultimately the judge decided that she needed more time to reach a decision and court was adjourned.  i stayed in freetown for another week, and after no answer still i followed the advice of my attorney and came home to wait here.

for the last two years i have lived with a heart that's been keeping dual residency.  i have had a front row seat to God's timing not being my own, and there have been both taxing and beautiful examples of that along the way.  if there is one thing that i have learned from my journey it is that it is not mine alone.  it belongs to everyone who has prayed for and supported our family.  you are just as much a part of it as we are and i will never be able to adequately thank you.

a good friend of mine called this week to check in and reminded me that we never know who our story is affecting.  she told me that God is slowly pulling together each instrument, and filling every single chair in the audience.  she told me that when the symphony starts it will be absolutely breathtaking, and everyone that is witness to it will know that all of the glory goes to Him because we could never orchestrate something so lovely ourselves.  i pray for each and every instrument, for every heart filling the seats, and i thank God for using my life in such an extraordinary way.

AMEN.

Tuesday's Best: Catching up

the sun is out.

it's finally spring.

70 degrees.

i'm sitting on the front porch with my computer and a cup of coffee.

the birds are singing away.

and it's tuesday's best.

doesn't get much better than this.

i'm long overdue on a tuesday's best update.  we've been finishing our home study and working overtime to save up for the adoption expenses that are about to start flooding in.  as someone who spent their 20's investing in the contents of their closet i'm shocked to announce that i have never been so excited to empty out my piggy bank.  and by piggy bank i mean josh's yazoo brewery growler.

we've been busily dreaming these last few weeks and holding tight to the hopes we have for the weeks to come.  

hang tight, my four favorites.  we're coming for you.

  

four favorites

geraldine said her abc's for us today all by herself.

auntie kelly taught gerald how to throw a peace sign.  word.

looking at pictures of mom as a kid is hilarious...

... but not as funny as pictures of dad and granddad!

last week we surprised the kids with three special visitors...

their friends abdul, mabinty, and sorie!

these three came home to america a few weeks ago after a long three years of waiting for their parents, jason and erica rust, the founders of the raining season.

they spent the night with us monday so they could get up early and skype with us tuesday morning.  

our house has been way too quiet ever since...

surprise!  mohamed and mamie were so excited to see their friends.

happy tuesday's best,

m

Tuesday's Best

gerald sang us a song.

mohamed played drums with josh and told us how he was baptized in the ocean on saturday.

mamie told us about her school work and we talked about the 3 children who left the center on sunday and arrive in america, their new home, today.

geraldine got bored and went outside to play.

everyone got stickers.

just as it should be.

happy tuesday's best,

m

6.

drums.

twins = twice as many stickers on the wall.

one soldier down and my favorite lone tooth.

so. stinkin'. pretty.

Tuesday's Best: ReindeerS, America, and Most Bestest Perfectest

this morning's tuesday's best was the best so far.  if i could call it the most bestest without the grammar police attacking me i sure would.  because it was.  most bestest perfectest.

next tuesday is christmas, and the week after that is new years, so we won't be skyping for 3 full weeks.   normally this would make me all sorts of sad, but not after this morning's call.  this morning, we really felt like a family.

the kids sang us christmas carols and asked us to sing them a few as well.  after realizing that we didn't know any of the verses to 'we wish you a merry christmas' josh suggested that we teach them 'rudolph the red nosed reindeer' and it should be noted that josh seems to think the plural of reindeer is reindeerS.  really.  he sang it both times.  i have video proof.  we will obviously not be homeschooling...

i played guitar for them and taught them a portion of a song for them to sing with me (can one collect skype royalties? hypothetically of course), geraldine got up on the chair and did her standard booty dance (oh boy), mohamed asked us to bring him socks when we come visit in january and a photo album full of pictures of himself (hilarious and sweet), then the best thing ever...

gerald leaned in close to the camera and said, "go there!"

we asked him where and he shouted, "america!"

be still my adopting heart.  the kids don't know that we are trying to adopt them.  in case something terrible were to happen and adoption was no longer a possibility they only know that if it was ever an option for us to bring them home we would love to do so.  i couldn't bear for them to be as devastated as we would be if that didn't happen.  to protect their high hopes and their trust in us that we will follow through with what we say, they have less than limited information on what we are fighting for this side of the pacific.

america.  soon enough, sweet boy.  i promise you.  soon enough.

merry christmas to my favorite four.  may you know that you are loved.  may you know that you are wanted.  may you know that you are fought for.  25 days until i pick you up and don't put you down for a solid week.

merry christmas to all and to all a good skype.

america

singing christmas carols

the booty dance that will be the death of me in her teenage years

guitar time.  this is pretty much what every audience i've ever had looks like... ;)

Hakuna Ma-Clavicle

geraldine has fractured her clavicle.

yep.

that's my girl.

just as ungraceful as i am.

she ran into a bed and her shoulder was still hurting her a couple of days later so they finally got it x-rayed.

busted clavicle.

today i wish i was there.  today i wish she was here.  broken babies belong cuddled up on the couch with their mom, tucked under earl snuggs (the first thing josh and i bought for the new house was a giant quilt and we named him earl snuggs... our disgustingly mushy and equally hilarious nod to the bluegrass giant) watching a plethora of disney movies.  

hakuna matata, baby girl.  no worries.  it'll be ok.  and i love you. 

alright, i'm off to scrub my floors 'til they look like the top of the chrysler building (annie quote).  we're hosting the raining season christmas party at our new house tonight because i am a crazy person and offered to serve hors d'oeuvres on top of cardboard boxes.  what new house?  oh yeah.  we finally found one!  forgot to tell you about that.  and it's just plain hard to type when you're up to your elbows in paint and can't find your glasses because you're 30 now and your eyes have begun the downward spiral toward failing you.  i'm 30?  oh yeah, forgot to tell you about that too... we have a lot to catch up on.  my bad.  talk soon.

happy weekend!

m

Tuesday's Best x 2

oh heeeeey!  it's me!  i'm back!  

i've been moving, hence the hiatus, and it is safe to say that josh and i will be living in this house until we croak.  i am never ever ever (taylor swift quote) packing or lifting or unpacking or organizing or, let's be honest, dusting crown molding again.

but now i have internet again.  after 6 hours with the comcast guy it is nothing short of a christmas miracle.  so we can continue talking about our 'yes' conversation tomorrow and i can show you tuesday's best photos like an annoying mom. 

last week we were missing two very big things for our usual skype call.  

1.  josh 

(he was in vegas for work and no child should have to talk to their parent when they are 5 days deep in vegas.)

2.  gerald's front tooth!

yep.  gerald fell and knocked his front tooth so loose that it had to be pulled.  he was INCREDIBLY embarrassed about it and when i told him he looked handsome he turned around and started to cry!  poor baby.  just about broke my heart.  his tears caused me to start crying and everything just went downhill from there.  i was a super sensi mess the whole time.  pull it together soldier!

i did, however, manage to choke out an introduction of my friend, meesa, who was there skyping with me.  well, actually we were at her parents house because they live just down the street from me and had internet and breakfast sandwiches on white bread oh my glob is there anything better?

no josh, no tooth, lots of tears, and meesa.

mo showing his guns to meesa.  lady killer.

the toothless wonder.

so that was last week.  this week josh was back, but now three other things were missing.  mamie's teeth!  holy dental work batman.  we've lost 4 teeth in 1 week.  just wait until josh and mine start falling out.  maybe we can get a 6 for 1 special on dentures?

zero front teeth.

matching outfit twin love.

gerald practicing his fanning skills.  told him i'd need them when i visit in january and its 110 degrees.

i pulled out the guitar for the first time in a year.  i was totally a hit.  famous.

a little qt with the bigs today.

happy tuesday's best!

m

I Had Them, I Held Them, and I'm Grateful for Groucho Marx Glasses

i had the sweetest dream last night.  

i was walking home down a city street that felt like it belonged in boston even though i haven't lived there in 8 years.  it was evening so the city was quiet, hushed.  the sky had just stopped pouring and the air carried a crisp, freshness that comes with washing the day away.  the street lights were a soft yellow and the wet pavement reflected back their warmth.  i made it to the top of a hill where new cement met old cobblestone and paused to catch my breath.  that incline was a familiar one to me, in this dream of mine, and wasn't usually guilty of making me winded.  but last night it was a harder climb.  i was holding something.  i was holding my son.  i was holding him tight to my chest, both of my arms wrapped around him, and we were talking.  full sentence how was your day how is your heart how are you kind of talking.  and i was listening with all of my senses and we were just walking.  

then the oddest thing happened.  i don't recall transferring him into the arms of someone else, i don't recall walking back to where i began and beginning again, but all of a sudden there i was walking up the same hill, pausing in the same spot,  turning at the same corner, taking the same journey home... with my daughter.

i made that journey four times in my dream last night.  i held each of my children .  i asked them how they were and really listened to their answers.  i kissed their faces on the soft piece of real estate that is the space where their cheeks meet the outer corners of their eyes.  

i held them.  i had them.

today there is a phantom pain from their absence.  all at the same time i am heartbroken and grateful, mourning the time that i have lost and eagerly awaiting the time that is to come.  i am trying to focus on the gratitude part... so here we go.

today i am thankful for:

an in-country director who knew i would have wanted to see the twins open their birthday presents.
and camera phones.
and groucho marx glasses.

capitol records for continuously playing a video about the raining season to a crowd of 25,000 people at their annual street party in downtown nashville last week.

facebook for allowing me to stalk the photos of people who took trips to sierra leone when the twins were babies and captured moments holding them.  (baby gerald)

(baby deen)

looking through other people's trip pictures from sierra leone and spotting mo's sweet face in the upper left corner

this gorgeous profile (mamie on left)

i am grateful, i am grateful, i am grateful.  this is my new motto.  please don't let me forget it.

Tuesday's Best: Oh my glob we have a 7 year old.

oh my glob.

we have a 7 year old.

tomorrow is mohamed's birthday.  that means that as of tomorrow i am the proud mother of a 7 year old.  ha!  hey guys, remember how in 2012 i went from 0 to 4 kids and one of them is in 2nd grade???  holy crap.  things that make you go mmmmmm... i have kids.  big ones.

  today's tuesday's best is one of my all time favorites.  we had a little birthday celebration for mo, complete with a giant card, cupcakes (made a full batch just to have one for him to see and oops i need to eat them now), and candles.

i present to you, an international birthday party.

late night card making

the finished product

betty crocker from a box... who am i kidding?

look at mohamed's face here.  he was so proud to have his own little celebration.  makes me melt.

the covering holds quarterly birthday parties for all of the kids whose birthdays fall in that particular time frame, which is SO awesome of them, but we loved getting to have our own party!

lighting the candle

blowing it out

reading the card... which of course he couldn't because it shows up backwards.  fail.

reading to us (yeah that's right we make our kid work on his birthday. what?)

giggly mamie

deen digging for a super special present for her brother

we sang, we laughed, we cried (ok, deen is the only one who cried because she wanted a bigger space to sit than anyone else - yikes - but it's not a party until someone irrationally screams bloody murder, right?), we celebrated.  it was fantastic.  

to my handsome, smart, talented, brave, loving, faith filled son...

i am so proud of you.  i miss you.  i love you even more.

i wish i could be there tomorrow to watch you open the remote control car that you've been asking for since april.  please don't run over your sister's feet with it, ok?

love, mom

  

Tuesday's Best and Gillian's Octopus Arms

after months of the internet being on bad behavior, we finally connected through skype this morning.  eeek!

i proudly reinstate... tuesday's best.

                school gingham!

geraldine throwin' elbows
 

twinkies

we sent mohamed back to class today after he was pouting over us pulling him out of school to skype... seriously.  remember that whole "the wall is my favorite part of the center" bit?  and now he actually wants to be in school???? jackpot.

gerald wanted to play outside, so we told him it was ok, sent him a giggling, and took the opportunity to soak up some precious girl time.

geraldine and mamie

geraldine

mamie

the aunties!!

oh sweet kiddos, it did my heart so much good to see you today!!

in other terribly terrific tuesday news, today is my oldest friend, gillian's, 30th birthday.  we met on the first day of 3rd grade.  she already knew how to write a capital letter 'g' in cursive.  she gave me a minnesota twins t-shirt for my birthday. she was, and still is, one of my most favorite people.  to celebrate this momentous occasion (and the fact that she is older than me), i present to you...

'gillian's octopus arms'

by, 10 year old megan

(gillian found this gem while cleaning out her office this week.  i almost pee'd myself as the text images were rolling in)

obviously her cats name would be meg.  i mean, duh people.

dated 4/92.  holy crappola we're old.

happy birthday, gillybean.  i love your guts.

xo, meg the cat