Wednesday, November 30, 2011

I Can't Make This S*#t Up - The First Installment

"man losing his mcdonalds in ur gyno room"
sometime in 2010

this story, as you will find most of these do, starts off completely normal.  well, as normal as anything involving me can be.  

girl goes to annual doctor appointment, checks in, waits in waiting room probably playing a few games of words with friends while wondering how it is possible for an office to be running 30 minutes late at 9 o'clock in the morning, finally gets her name called and blood pressure taken, is forced to stand on the scale, looks at the number and starts doing the math to answer the question "if i keep gaining 3 pounds a year how much will i weigh in the year 2036?", gets herded into a room left alone to put a gown on (opening in the back - do people still need to be reminded that this is how to wear them???), then sits on the  edge of the table and waits some more.

see? totally innocent.

and then...

without the usual warning knock the door handle turns and in walks a man.  it is of importance to note that this man is neither my doctor or anyone's doctor.  he is clearly some pregnant woman's husband who has been sent to mcdonalds to pick up food because they have been waiting as long as i have, and hungry pregnant women get what they want.  he walks into the room looking down at the balancing act of drinks, food, and coats going on in his arms and immediately starts talking about something... i couldn't even begin to guess what because the soundtrack going on in my head was "WHAT THE FUUUU?!?!?!?" (ok, there are some missing consonants on the end of that word.  fill them in yourself.)  after a solid half an hour (megan time, real time was probably more like 7 seconds) of him setting down fountain drinks on the desk, refolding the coats draped over his arm, and opening the giant bag of food he carried in... he looked up.

slow motion replay:

man looks up, instantly realizing that i am not his wife/baby mama.

his face turns from normal accountant-esque business to complete mortification.  a look i am convinced i will never see recreated in the wild.

his arms go up and french fries go flying.  and i mean FLYING.  and not just a few french fries.  i'm talking two super size containers full of those hot, greasy bad boys.  FLYING.

man falls to floor with stop, drop and roll type urgency.

the next 10 minutes (megan time, real time: 5 seconds) were spent with him on his knees, body parallel to the floor scraping french fries around with an extended right arm and shoveling them into the hallway behind him.  his left arm was frantically reaching for and continuing to miss the door handle in an attempt to escape and close himself into the safety of the hallway as quickly as possible.  

the best part about this whole event was the communication, or lack there of, that was going on between us.  mr. stranger danger was babbling and stumbling over phrases like "oh shit", "so sorry", "wife you're not mine", "no no no", "fries everywhere", and, my favorite, "oh dear".  this poor man was in such a state of humiliated distress and i was, for the first and last time in my life, totally speechless.  i just sat there with my jaw on the floor.  i didn't gasp.  i didn't yell.  i didn't say "honest mistake, no worries" and ease some of his embarrassment.  i didn't point and laugh, though in hind sight this is really the best response to this type of situation.  i just sat there until he finally backed himself up on his hands and knees into the hallway and got the door shut, not without a handful of french fries getting flattened into the carpet in the process.

then i started laughing.  and i mean cackling.  like tears streaming down my face laughing.  couldn't catch my breath laughing.

icing on the cake?  i heard him go into the room next door and a woman's voice said, "where are the fries?"


Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I Can't Make This S*#t Up - Sneak Peek.

meet mary susan.  she is one of my favorite people on earth.  well, at least she was yesterday.  after her influence on my life today people's perception of me is about to drastically change. today she posted this to her blog and followed it up with the following texts:

the list goes on and on.

 "what does 'faked' pictures at walgreens mean?", you ask?  faked is my bennifer (ben+jennifer, as in affleck and lopez - you're welcome for that blast from the past) for "fake naked".  FAKE+NAKED = FAKED.  "ohhhh, i get it...", you think... "wait a minute.... this crazy b!$*h took fake naked pictures and brought them to walgreens to print?!?!?!?!"  

yes.  yes i did.

in my defense, i took the pictures with 4 other friends in the home of 2 different friends who were on vacation in europe for 10 days.  the situation was begging for a practical joke.  you can't leave us alone for 10 days with a spare key to your house and expect us to behave.  or to not take fake naked pictures in your house, bring them to a walgreens located 30 minutes away from where we live in order to protect our identity when printing them, proudly display them in a red pleather photo album, and place them on your coffee table for you to find as a gift upon your return.  you just can't.

i digress.

i told mary susan that in place of any future birthday/baby/christmas/anniversary/canadian boxing day gifts i would start blogging a series entitled "i can't make this s*#t up".  although i'm sure once this series is compiled into a book it will be called, "no one will ever love me because..."

i don't know how i attract this crap but i do.  and, starting tomorrow when i have gathered the courage to share these ridiculous stories, it will be to your benefit.

i think i'll start with, "man losing his mcdonalds in ur gyno room".  it's a gem.

xo, m

Saturday, November 26, 2011


this week i turned 29.  i'm not really sure how that happened.  i JUST finished college in boston.  i JUST signed my first publishing deal.  i JUST felt weird about turning 25 because it meant that i really had to get a handle on this whole grown up thing. 

a few months ago i started putting together a "30 before 30" list.  basically a bucket list of sorts with things i want to be able to say that i've done before that big, ugly number attaches itself to my name.  there are big ticket items like "mission trip to africa" and "sky diving" and then there are a handful of smaller ones like "food fight in a public place" (you know you want in on that one).  somewhere around #20 on my list i started having a hard time coming up with things to include.  this got me thinking.   i might have already knocked some of this stuff out... i mean, i got to do some pretty amazing things this last year.  some more obvious than others and some that would have never crossed my mind to include in such a list.

while i don't necessarily love that i now regularly discuss how fast the years are going by, i am thankful that my 29th year here allowed me to be a part of the following:

- i went cliff jumping.  and i can't wait to go again.

- i bookended a gig in northern california with a trip by myself to napa valley.  i stayed in calistoga, watched a sunrise AND a sunset, ate an amazing meal at JoLe, and spent 2 hours in the spa.  i also said "yes, just me" more times than i care to count.

-  i went to NYC at Christmas time.  it was pure magic.

- i held 8 pounds of pure happiness and celebrated preston adeline insogna's safe arrival with my friends jonny and liz.

- i cried for 15 straight minutes on the phone when my friend mary susan called to tell me that she and her husband were finally matched with a baby in ghana that they will be bringing home in the new year.  sweet baby abi, i can't wait to meet you!

- i popped the cork on a bottle of champagne.  by myself.  it's the little things...

- i got to explore west texas.  spent a long weekend in marfa, tx and felt like i was living in an episode of friday night lights.  success.

- i watched a handful of old movies.  "your girl is lovely, hubbell".

- i started keeping a prayer journal and discovered that starting my days on both my front porch swing and a note of gratitude is really good for me.

- i started a rock band with some of my favorite friends and the best musicians i know.  world, you betta watch out for jameson!!!!!

- i had the privilege of helping a very special friend navigate her way through her final days of a long and grievous battle with cancer.  it was the most cruel and beautiful thing i have ever been a part of.  she changed the shape, size, and condition of my heart.

- my mom came to visit me in nashville.  i love getting to see her without having to pack a suitcase.

- i spent 2 full uninterrupted days at a beautiful house in monteagle, tennessee with 10 of my girlfriends.  top of a mountain + sweatpants + home cooked meals + wine = perfection.

- i spent a ridiculous amount of money on a pair of shoes that i didn't need.  everyone needs to do that once, right?  shhhhhh... that's what I'm telling myself.

- i got to see my oldest and best friend in the world 6 times this year.  that's a record breaker in the decade that i have lived anywhere from a 14-26 hour drive away from her.

lucky girl, party of 29 year old me.