Happy Birthday, Mamie!!!!

yesterday was a complete emotional disaster.  i have come to the conclusion that i over feel.  is that possible?  i've always been sensitive, but lately i've been a regular cocktail of phantom pregnant lady hormones mixed with reasons to cry.  let me tell you... it's not pretty.

yesterday started out with me not sleeping.  i was up all night thinking about and praying for a little girl at the covering named sarah who myself and one other woman have been working on obtaining a medical visa for.  tired and emotional is always a great way to start the day!  

at various point throughout the day i read new blog post updates from good friends who's week old daughter is fighting for her life (they need major, deep down from the core of your being prayers right now. read more here), and got an update that the hospital we've been working with has officially approved sarah to receive treatment there.  so after tearily flip flopping from joyful to sad to hopeful back to sad to overwhelmed what did i do?  i came home and watched the film 'the impossible'.  it's the true story of a family's experience in the 2004 tsunami.  TOTAL TAILSPIN.  

to top it all off i climbed in bed and watched the video of vince gill and patty loveless singing at george jones's funeral yesterday.  hysterics.  crying, trying my best trying not to go into the rib shaking cry, laughing at how ridiculous i was at that very moment, and trying to soothe the heavy heart i had been carrying around all day.  

phew.  i am glad yesterday was just that, yesterday.  and i am glad that today is bringing a huge reason to celebrate and be joyful. 

my sweet girl, mamie, turns 6 years old today.

mamie,

i saw you first.  did you know that?  before your brothers and sister, i saw you.  on my first visit to sierra leone i turned the corner to walk up the hill toward the center for the first time and there you were.  the prettiest thing i have ever laid eyes on.  shy.  holding back your smile a bit.  i was terrified and excited and you were a touch hesitant, but as soon as i reached out my hand for you you put yours in it and didn't let go all week.  

my second trip to see you was no exception.  i barely had both feet out of the car that dropped us off before i saw you running full speed toward me.  your best dress on, earrings in, and a cute little headband on top of your braids. 

i hope you always run at me like that, arms open.  i hope i never screw up and make you feel like you can't.  i hope you don't ever become the difficult teenager i once was, and always want to hold your mom's hand.  i hope you always keep this 6 year old joy inside of you.

happy birthday, my sweet girl.  i am so proud to be your mom.

i love you something fierce.

me

the moment we met

baby face.  i would give almost anything to have known you when you were this little.

blurry birthday skype

Monday Morning

this weekend.

this weekend.

i cried every day.   i felt a deep, sharp, and acute aching for the parents who lost their children, whether student or teacher, in the connecticut shooting.  i felt an equal concern for the children who survived, for the things they saw.  i wondered how one particular mother would have survived with some amount of accountability for this tragedy falling on her as people searched for someone to blame.  i wondered what monday morning would be like across the country.

today parents will bundle up their children and walk them to the bus, or drop them off in front of their schools.  today children will ask why there are armed guards in front of the doors.  today parents will have to answer that question.  today we will hug our children a little tighter, teachers will go back to work more family than co-workers, we will mourn, we will remember, we will learn, we will grow, and we will make the impossible choice to shift our focus toward things worth celebrating.  why?  because it's monday morning.  and that's what monday's are for.

today i am grateful to not have to search for my reason to celebrate.  and that, right there, is a start.

---------------------

today is the 2nd birthday of sweet baby abi, daughter to my friends sean and mary susan and favorite miracle baby to all.  this fall she made the long journey home from ghana, the place of her birth, to tennessee.  here she will receive daily the gift of opportunity.  the gift of a childhood.  the gift of waking up every morning just to be cuddled all day. 

 in two years she has overcome more adversity than most experience in a lifetime.  

to me, that sounds like twice the reason the celebrate.  

sweet abiella,

happiest of birthday's, little one.  i hope you enjoy your first party.  i hope you get to watch your favorite beyonce dvd and that your mama and daddy don't put you down all day.  thank you for always being a reason to celebrate.  

i love you,

auntie m

Tuesday's Best

good ol' fashioned close ups with the bigs.

giggly, new birthday clothes wearing littles.

lots of 'i love you's'.

lot's of 'see you in january's'.

they felt so close today.  like i could almost touch them.

the bigs, mohamed & mamie

deenie girl wore her new birthday dress

giggles

blurry, blobby birthday pencils

good golly miss molly, january can't get here fast enough.

i'm going to ask santa for a jet for christmas.

happy tuesday's best,

m

Tuesday's Best: Long Live Elton John

the babies brought some of their birthday presents to our skype call this morning and it's official...

coolio is dead. 

 long live elton john.

yes.  those are groucho marx glasses on gerald.  

so.stinking.funny.i.don't.care.who.you.are.

elton john

three years old.  learning how to show us three fingers.

geraldine didn't take those glasses off the entire time we skyped.  god bless.

happy tuesday's best!

m

I Had Them, I Held Them, and I'm Grateful for Groucho Marx Glasses

i had the sweetest dream last night.  

i was walking home down a city street that felt like it belonged in boston even though i haven't lived there in 8 years.  it was evening so the city was quiet, hushed.  the sky had just stopped pouring and the air carried a crisp, freshness that comes with washing the day away.  the street lights were a soft yellow and the wet pavement reflected back their warmth.  i made it to the top of a hill where new cement met old cobblestone and paused to catch my breath.  that incline was a familiar one to me, in this dream of mine, and wasn't usually guilty of making me winded.  but last night it was a harder climb.  i was holding something.  i was holding my son.  i was holding him tight to my chest, both of my arms wrapped around him, and we were talking.  full sentence how was your day how is your heart how are you kind of talking.  and i was listening with all of my senses and we were just walking.  

then the oddest thing happened.  i don't recall transferring him into the arms of someone else, i don't recall walking back to where i began and beginning again, but all of a sudden there i was walking up the same hill, pausing in the same spot,  turning at the same corner, taking the same journey home... with my daughter.

i made that journey four times in my dream last night.  i held each of my children .  i asked them how they were and really listened to their answers.  i kissed their faces on the soft piece of real estate that is the space where their cheeks meet the outer corners of their eyes.  

i held them.  i had them.

today there is a phantom pain from their absence.  all at the same time i am heartbroken and grateful, mourning the time that i have lost and eagerly awaiting the time that is to come.  i am trying to focus on the gratitude part... so here we go.

today i am thankful for:

an in-country director who knew i would have wanted to see the twins open their birthday presents.
and camera phones.
and groucho marx glasses.

capitol records for continuously playing a video about the raining season to a crowd of 25,000 people at their annual street party in downtown nashville last week.

facebook for allowing me to stalk the photos of people who took trips to sierra leone when the twins were babies and captured moments holding them.  (baby gerald)

(baby deen)

looking through other people's trip pictures from sierra leone and spotting mo's sweet face in the upper left corner

this gorgeous profile (mamie on left)

i am grateful, i am grateful, i am grateful.  this is my new motto.  please don't let me forget it.

The Best Yes I Ever Said

happy 3rd birthday to the best yes i ever said.

gerald and geraldine.

you make me braver.  

you make me stronger.  

you make me happier.  

you make me proud.

i love you.

Tuesday's Best: Big Head Little Body & The Best Yes I Ever Said

well, it's week two of birthday skyping bonanza here at gung ho heart.  this friday the twins turn 3.  sayonara babies, hello growing toddlers.  last night i made a late night trip to the grocery store to get a few essentials for our birthday skype this morning and made it all the way to the checkout line (and by checkout line i mean the do it yourself lane because who really waits for someone who's minimum wage salary is matched by their minimum effort take-your-sweet-time scanning attitude at the ghetto kroger on 8th anyways???) before realizing that i was holding two number 2 candles instead of two number 3 candles.  the kids.  they grow up so fast.  and by saying that i believe i just solidified my rapid transformation into my grandfather.

our connection was pretty blurry today, but the smiles were there.

we asked mohamed if he knew when we were coming to visit and this smile is what came along with a joyful, "JANUARY!!!!"

blowing kisses

our stick figure cutout birthday cards were a hit.  totally josh's idea.  the kids laughed so hard!  

blowing out their candles

birthday dance party.  duh.

the coolio braid has transformed into an antena.

our connection even wanted to party!...

...twice.

josh and i were up 'til the wee hours of the morn bringing to life his card idea.  

i give you: little body, disproportionate head.

to my faith testing, heart stretching, joy filled, miracle (almost) 3 year olds...

you were the best yes i ever said.  thank you for changing my life.

love, mom

7

yesterday just before you blew out the candles on your cupcake we told you to make a wish.

when you were ready you told us that your wish was in your mind.

i hope it comes true today, sweet boy.

happy birthday.

Tuesday's Best: Oh my glob we have a 7 year old.

oh my glob.

we have a 7 year old.

tomorrow is mohamed's birthday.  that means that as of tomorrow i am the proud mother of a 7 year old.  ha!  hey guys, remember how in 2012 i went from 0 to 4 kids and one of them is in 2nd grade???  holy crap.  things that make you go mmmmmm... i have kids.  big ones.

  today's tuesday's best is one of my all time favorites.  we had a little birthday celebration for mo, complete with a giant card, cupcakes (made a full batch just to have one for him to see and oops i need to eat them now), and candles.

i present to you, an international birthday party.

late night card making

the finished product

betty crocker from a box... who am i kidding?

look at mohamed's face here.  he was so proud to have his own little celebration.  makes me melt.

the covering holds quarterly birthday parties for all of the kids whose birthdays fall in that particular time frame, which is SO awesome of them, but we loved getting to have our own party!

lighting the candle

blowing it out

reading the card... which of course he couldn't because it shows up backwards.  fail.

reading to us (yeah that's right we make our kid work on his birthday. what?)

giggly mamie

deen digging for a super special present for her brother

we sang, we laughed, we cried (ok, deen is the only one who cried because she wanted a bigger space to sit than anyone else - yikes - but it's not a party until someone irrationally screams bloody murder, right?), we celebrated.  it was fantastic.  

to my handsome, smart, talented, brave, loving, faith filled son...

i am so proud of you.  i miss you.  i love you even more.

i wish i could be there tomorrow to watch you open the remote control car that you've been asking for since april.  please don't run over your sister's feet with it, ok?

love, mom

  

Tuesday's Best and Gillian's Octopus Arms

after months of the internet being on bad behavior, we finally connected through skype this morning.  eeek!

i proudly reinstate... tuesday's best.

                school gingham!

geraldine throwin' elbows
 

twinkies

we sent mohamed back to class today after he was pouting over us pulling him out of school to skype... seriously.  remember that whole "the wall is my favorite part of the center" bit?  and now he actually wants to be in school???? jackpot.

gerald wanted to play outside, so we told him it was ok, sent him a giggling, and took the opportunity to soak up some precious girl time.

geraldine and mamie

geraldine

mamie

the aunties!!

oh sweet kiddos, it did my heart so much good to see you today!!

in other terribly terrific tuesday news, today is my oldest friend, gillian's, 30th birthday.  we met on the first day of 3rd grade.  she already knew how to write a capital letter 'g' in cursive.  she gave me a minnesota twins t-shirt for my birthday. she was, and still is, one of my most favorite people.  to celebrate this momentous occasion (and the fact that she is older than me), i present to you...

'gillian's octopus arms'

by, 10 year old megan

(gillian found this gem while cleaning out her office this week.  i almost pee'd myself as the text images were rolling in)

obviously her cats name would be meg.  i mean, duh people.

dated 4/92.  holy crappola we're old.

happy birthday, gillybean.  i love your guts.

xo, meg the cat